I just wish I had a plan, but then, all the plans I've previously had have proved less than executable in the long run. All life seems to me is a series of flips of a coin. Hardly ever have I got the result I was striving for, and it has made me very unfocused and prone to drifting. Like, I can try my utmost and get a random outcome x (instead of the desirable outcome a/b/c I wanted), or I can not do anything and get the same. Which one's easier and less disappointing?
Or perhaps the reason I didn't reach the a/b/c outcome was because somewhere along the way I lost the interest and drive I had in it, resulting in getting the random x instead. And perhaps the reason that happened is that in the past, I have indeed accomplished those goals, only to find they weren't all that and I ended up wanting out.
What I'm babbling about here is doing something instead of this nothing, but what, when and where? What would be worth the effort? I'm sick and tired of putting all my resources on the line and winding up empty-handed. Instead of seeing this as a transition phase, as mentioned in the previous post, now it feels like a permanent state of nothingness.
I suppose thinking's not going to get me anywhere now either. I despise people who think very little, but maybe I'm just jealous, 'cause things are bound to be easier for them. I think I'm like a horse that's supposed to drag a carriage but is not wearing those eye-patches on the sides, which makes it hard.
In other, more concrete words: I should be learning the local language effectively enough to be able to study at university next year. But where can I find a course, and what course should it be, and you know what's the whole point anyway. I always get like this and later on, I regret being so irresponsible and... lazy? and weak-minded. The title of this blog is so fitting it hurts.
